My kids get facetime calls almost every day, but I answered my first facetime call late last night and I took it in true old man fashion. I put the phone to my ear and said “Hello… Hello! … Then I looked at my phone and I saw someone smirking at me. The face in the phone told me that I should write something because it’s been a long time. I said. “I wrote something today, but it was bad.” Then the face said, “sometimes bad writing is better because it’s more honest.” It was more of a drunken’ mumble than a profound statement, but I decided to take inspiration from it.
Much like you wouldn’t value past sexual experiences based solely on the attractiveness of your partners. There are many more important factors than just quality brewing that can lead to a great beer experience, and most of it has to do with what is going on in your own brain.
I had an amazing beer high at New Helvetia Brewing. I had a couple of heavy beers before I got there. I ordered their best beer, the Rough and Ready Red, and then followed it up with really good strong ale, at a table, staring out the window, it catapulted me straight into a state of pure drunken transcendence. I thought a long time of my dad dying, realized my own spiritual being, the afterlife, and my space in the universe. I was practically floating in perspective. Then I glanced down to write a few notes and it started to slip away. So I looked back out the window into the horizon to hold onto the feeling as long as I could. Then I stepped out of the brewery onto Broadway and my friend’s mini-van pulled up with their kids and my whole family inside and I jumped in with my growler and we went to a little party. It was a nice day.
The art on our wall segment for this post features two photos by Michelle Barnhardt. One is a poster-sized print of the Tower Theater on Broadway in Sacramento. I couldn’t see the tower out the window of the New Helvetia Brewery, but it is only a couple of blocks away. Then the other is a framed wedding reception photo of my young self, a scant 15 years ago.
I joke about getting old a lot because it happened to me quickly, both physically and mentally, and it took a few years to figure out. When I entered my early 40’s I still felt strong and resilient. I was about the same as I had been at 30 years old, but within just a few years I felt much more like a 58 year old man than someone in their 40’s. The downfall began with a simple but unremittant shoulder injury, then the domino effect of afflictions buoyed by a lifetime of poor health practices forced me to adjust my approach to life. I eventually realized I would never “get better”, but I was able to put the breaks on my decline. I do 45 minutes to an hour of physical therapy every morning (elastic bands, 10 lbs. weights etc.) I can still feel pretty good. I don’t feel young again, but I’m good enough. The key is that when I start to feel better I still need to keep up the process. Lazy Saturday mornings only lead to unpleasant Sundays. It’s ongoing. Now, I just need to figure out a process to deal with my brain.
The featured beer is St. Florian’s Flashover IPA. It’s unfiltered and malty for IPA, but not sweet. Unfortunately, this current bottle I have is a little different than the one I had last time. I think it may have sat on a warm shelf for too long. It’s still really good. I like beers that are hefty enough that I can skip a meal. The previous bottle was more citrus, less bitter, and I thought it had a brighter Sante Adairius like quality, not this time. I made a trip to the beer store today just to pick this up for featured beer but I expected to give it a stronger recommendation.
The YouTube post this time is from Miley Cyrus and her Dead Petz because that’s mostly what I’ve been listening to these past months. It’s a free download album from her website, but I paid $7 for the double CD version, not because I’m old school and don’t understand I can play music from my phone, but so I can play it in the car on long solo trips. I usually start my trip on Disc 1 with “Space Boots” and then just play through both discs until I reach my destination.
My daughter was barely three years old when she first asked me, “What is a vegetarian?” I told her that vegetarians don’t eat animals. I explained to her that when she ate “chicken nuggets”. She was eating food made out of real chickens. I told her that “steak” is made out of cows and that “pork” is pigs and that “ham” is made out of pigs too, but that when we eat “hamburgers” that is actually ground up cows. She got a very serious look on her face as she took it all in. For a minute I thought she was going to be angry, and then she asked me excitedly, “What is it called when we eat monkeys!?” The truth is I have great respect for vegans and vegetarians. In fact, if my life was based on a young adult dystopian novel where the reigning administrative authority forced society to divide into warring factions based on our diet. I would face the end times fighting alongside the beer drinking vegans rather than the wine quaffing meat eaters. I could still have a good life without wine and meat, but not having beer would suck. Also, people who don’t eat animals are often unfairly maligned as self-righteous weaklings. I’ve known a lot of vegans and vegetarians and none of them have ever been sniveling whiners. Most of them also seem to be exceedingly healthy. They are proffering no laws. They simply have the discipline to live by a standard that they set for themselves.
Beet salad from the Barrel Head Brewhouse in SF
That is not a standard I have set for myself, partly because I don’t have a strong emotional attachment to animals or even my own health. On the other hand I do have an aversion to things that are abhorrent. Over the years we have become so systematically efficient at growing meat that just the process itself reads like something from the mind of Stephen King. Gestation crates ruined sausage for me. It used to be a staple of my diet. However when I was complaining about this to the family my now teenage daughter joked, “Dad, do you really want the animals to be happy? At least if they are miserable you can feel merciful when you KILL THEM.”
Pictured here with a home brewed imperial red, my sausage grilling used to be pretty good
As exemplified by the great Ted Nugent, the further someone travels down any ideological spectrum the more likely they are to cross a line between superior human intellect and bat-shit crazy. However none of us possess the acuity to distinguish exactly where that line is because it’s different for everybody. I’m not a hunter but for the past ten years I’ve aligned my diet with some of the more sapient ramblings of the Motor City Madman. Specifically, I believe that eating animals is okay as long as I get them from the guy wearing a loin cloth and crossbow down at the local farmer’s market -or more realistically, scanning the expensive grass-fed meat counter at Raleys waiting for a $5off expiration day sticker so we can have a steak night.
There were two different times this year when I did a vegetarian diet for about five days. Both times my little ventures into caring ended because I wanted Buffalo Hot Wings. I have low standards. Chicken wings are inferior meat that is coupled with an inferior vegetable (celery), blue cheese dressing, and pale ale. These four things on their own are just okay but the combination of the four would be
22-year old vegan Miley Cyrus, one our country’s most kind hearted and colorful culture warriors, pictured here with her pet pig
the toughest thing for me to give up in the end times. I was also surprised at how emasculating it felt to order a veggie burger at the Main Street Brewery. I didn’t see that coming. I don’t mind being the dude that orders a quinoa salad, but it felt odd to order an actual meat substitute. It also lead me to google why the fuck veggie patties cost just as much as real hamburgers and I was grateful to stumble across a series of personal, but science based articles that explained why. I was also relieved that they aligned with many of the long held teachings of Ted Nugent. However, they were not published in an issue of God Loves Hunters Quarterly, but in Mother Jones. A lifetime vegetarian who lives in Berkeley wrote the one that addressed my question about burgers.
Prince Fielder, first baseman of the Texas Rangers a vegetarian since 2008, photo from 2014
For me it wasn’t health or morals, I had been concerned that meat consumption was destructive by nature. For the most part though I think what happened is that God (or Mother Nature, whomever) gifted us these perfectly designed protein cultivators we call cows and chickens, but then the meat industry went pyscho trying to speed up and cheapen the growing process and that fucked everything up-to an obscene level.
pretty obvious choice for the art on our walls feature
Despite the fact many states still have ridiculous and overbearing regulations over local breweries, last year 615 new craft breweries opened in United States bringing the total to 3,418. That sounds like a lot but in 1873 there were 4,131 breweries in the United States.
Hopefully, much the same way that the craft beer movement has returned the beer industry to its roots, the pendulum can swing the other way with meat also. “More regulation” and “safety” always sounds good, but government regulations are written by whoever has the more powerful lobbyists. Armed federal agents don’t raid organic farms and dump thousands of gallons of raw milk because they are worried about the public health. It’s business.
Last week I had to go to the Freemont Superior Court to pay a fee and I was happy to find Jack’s Brewery and Sports Grille opened at 11am. Two baseball games on the TVs with the Hardwood Pale Ale and hot wings, it was the perfect brewpub experience. The older school brewpubs like Jack’s usually get it right.
The new hipper or the fancier brewpubs always have some new take on the classic hot wing recipe and it always fails. Pizza places are often even worse for wings. They do the dry breaded kind so it
Hoppy Brewing Company in Sacramento does it right.
won’t get messy and they give you a tub of blue cheese with no celery. The blue cheese is for the celery so giving one without the other is confounding to me.
the rabble rousers sitting behind me at Mission Creak Brewing
I don’t often shop at Whole Foods, but it seems an appropriate place to go for the featured brewery this post. Mission Creak Brewing is located above the Whole Foods Market in San Jose. When I realized I was going to be in the area I checked their web site. There are hot wings on the menu. My plan, made days ahead of time, was to order one each of two single hop pale ales so I could compare them as I also enjoyed the hot wings. I skipped lunch to make sure that I would properly appreciate this EVENT in my otherwise uneventful life.
Guy Cameron, head brewer at Mission Creek used to work at Russian River, brewing the Blind Pig
When I arrived there was a seat at the bar and baseball with subtitles on the TV, a good start. Unfortunately, they were out of the wings. That was okay, I’ve worked in restaurants, I understand stuff happens. However, the 22-year-old girl behind the bar also informed me that I was only allowed to have one beer at a time. Thankfully she was apologetic about it so it felt like less of a slight on my hard thought life choices and more just some dumb shit she had to deal with. The brewery didn’t answer my fact checking email. I’m guessing this policy is some sort of insurance inspired due diligence concession to having underage kids in the bar area. Completely unnecessary as the entire place is just one small patio of upstanding citizens, not to mention they have a San Jose cop stationed at the bottom of the stairs. All of these rules that treat adults like kids and kids like delicate bombs are created out the fear of litigation or regulatory fees more than by simple common sense. “We act as if there are some alien overlords that laid down a bunch of retarded shitty fucking laws to make our lives miserable and if we upset them they will blow up our planet, right? Except that WE are the retarded alien overlords!” – Adam Carolla shouting on his podcast after a father son trip was ruined when he couldn’t get his 7-year-old boy into a car and aerospace event due to strict alcohol regulations.
When the end times come and our nation goes up in flames it’s going to be from under our own weight, from the mass accumulation of well meaning but destructive laws that cater to our lowest common denominator. Now play the song.
“You can stop eating animals if you desire, but you can’t stop the animals from eating each other…. /…. You can stop eating animals if you want to, but who’s going to stop the animals from eating you?” –Hickey “The Naked Cult of Hickey”
“I found out the greatest gladiators, the greatest ones in Roman times, they were all vegan. That’s fighting to the death! The best gladiators, I didn’t say all of them, when they looked at their bone marrow and did the research, they found that they were vegans. No meat particles in them.”Mike Tyson – vegan diet for the past five years, but refuses to give up leather
Ronda Rousey, undefeated mixed martial arts champion, formerly a vegan, now on the “dolce diet” which is whole food based, a large variety of mixed greens and grilled meats
“Society will develop a new kind of servitude which covers the surface of society with a network of complicated rules, through which the most original minds and the most energetic characters cannot penetrate. It does not tyrannise but it compresses, enervates, extinguishes, and stupefies a people, till each nation is reduced to nothing better than a flock of timid and industrious animals, of which the government is the shepherd.” ― Alexis de Tocqueville
Lets start this column off with some men’s fashion tips. On the way to a brewery the other day Dave asked me “So did you wear those shoes on purpose to match your shorts?” He wasn’t making fun of me, but there was a hint of concern in his voice. I was wearing red shorts and red running shoes with a yellow XL shirt that had a red logo on it. Defensively I told him, “Yeah, I like bright colors.” However, the truth is that I knew I dressed like a child and it bothered me. Dave just said, “I only have this one pair of shoes and I don’t pay attention to what color things are.” Dave wears green shoes and goofball t-shirts, but somehow he looks like a grown-up. Noted, I need to stop matching.
I developed my fashion sense back in early 1970’s when colored t-shirts and iron on decals first became popular. Before that time stripes or plaid had been the only choice so having actual pictures on your clothes was stepping things up to a whole new level. There was an iron on decal shop on Main Street in Pleasanton and business was booming. Most of the boys liked the cool Ratfink type car decals. For whatever reason I liked the beer decals better -the cool looking waterfall and nature stuff was my thing. There were a few different ones that I liked. One week I saved up the $3.50 and I tried to buy either a Coors or an Olympia decal. I don’t remember which anymore because I never owned it. Unfortunately, and I don’t know if he was an employee or just some stupid adult that happened to be there, but when I picked the one I wanted he said “Eh, that ‘s not a good one for a kid. Don’t you want to pick something else?” I was so young and stupid and this was back in the ‘70’s when kids listened to adults so in a deer in the headlights moment I just said “UH, okay.” And I picked the one right next to it. “Bud Man” a drawing of a goofy guy in a red Bud suit with a mask on. I figured the guy meant that a cartoon was more appropriate for a kid than a shirt with a waterfall on it. I didn’t even factor in that it was a beer shirt. It’s not as if the kid’s who bought the car shirts drove cars either.
I was in 3rd grade and had just been transferred across town to a different school. I don’t think they really cared about my shirt but the next day a couple of kids cornered me at the drinking fountain. “Bud Man? Are you a Bud Man!??” As I thought about their question they slapped me a few times in the head. “You’re not a Bud Man! Do you think you’re a Bud Man?!?” I didn’t have an answer. If it had been something I cared about there would have been a fight, but I didn’t have a reason for wearing the stupid shirt. I was angry and humiliated but I wasn’t mad at the kids who were hitting me. I was mad at the guy from the t-shirt place! “Yeah, why did I buy this stupid shirt?! I didn’t even want this one!” The kids were right. I deserved to be slapped in the head. Lesson learned, I never wore that shirt again and that was the last time I ever listened to an adult.
Featured Beer: Everything at Cleophus Quealy! The tap list is constantly rolling over because they never make the same beer twice, but everything we had here was fantastic. The only problem I have is, much like one of my other favorite breweries, Sante Adarius in Santa Cruz, it’s going to take a while before I get the name right in my head. It’s in San Leandro, right around the corner from Drakes.
Pleasanton Brewz history.
For 30 years Pleasanton was home to the largest hop farm in the world. The 1900-acre Pleasanton Hop Company was in operation until 1913. That’s why the main road through the center of town is Hopyard Blvd. However, a much more shocking fact to learn is that in the early 1970s the city of Pleasanton consumed more alcohol per capita than any city in the United States! At the time it was a ranching town that was quickly transforming into Suburbia. The town had only three traffic lights, but there were 7 thriving dive bars on Main Street. The very last surviving bar from this era
The art on our walls segment for this post is moving to the patio. We’ve been without a kitchen now for over three months. I’ve been doing most of the cooking on that electric skillet. To stick with the Olympia motif I threw that hat into the picture. I was wearing that hat the first time I ever talked to the wife. That night I swung hard and struck out, but you can see why she thought I was a catch.
was torn down this year. It was replaced with one of those new Starbucks that serve alcohol. I have never been a dive bar drinker and, I have nothing against Starbucks, but that just seems like the new school bully kicking dirt on the grave of old school.
The youtube post for this segment is appropriately Pleasanton based. Unfortunately the entire CD is not available on youtube, but if you listen to this one song over 40 times in a row you’ll get the idea. I met Your Mother when they were still in high school. I was certain once the world heard this CD they would take the world by storm. Lightning fast smart goofy funny punk rock that pummeled for 90 straight minutes. Then they told me the record label that was putting out the CD ran out of money. I said, “How much money would it cost?” They said $3500. I said, “I have a $6000 limit on my credit card!” And that is how Probe Records was born, 1995. www.yourmother.com
Much like you wouldn’t value past sexual experiences based solely on the attractiveness of your partners. There are many more important factors than just quality brewing that can lead to a great beer experience, and most of it has to do with what is going on in your own brain.
